Navigating living with mental health issues during Quarantine
Hey everyone, I hope that you all are doing well during these hard times. I know it’s been a while since I’ve last updated you all. I hope that you have been able to stay positive in a time where there is so much negative energy around. Just yesterday I was riding around D.C. with a family member helping her do Postmates. As we were driving, we ended up passing a lot of graffiti art that said, “Spread peace, not fear!” As I was reading the artwork it just made so much sense because there is so much fear being spread that no one is able to have peace of mind. Especially when you are struggling with mental health issues, having so much negative energy around could drain you, and cause a relapse.
I just wanted to tell you all a story so that you don’t feel alone at this time. If you all don’t know I live with anxiety, depression, and anger issues. These are all things that I have been living with and trying to overcome for a very long time. If you are wondering, no I haven’t been to therapy before, not because I don’t believe in it. It’s just that for the longest time, and even now I struggle with opening myself up to people verbally. It is much easier for me to write down the pain, and the hurt than it is to open my mouth to speak to someone.
Now, since a lot of us are quarantining and have to stay home that adds a lot of extra pressure to your mental state. Then if you are like me and not able to work, that could add even more stress. Especially if you are in a place where you can’t find peace, or that adds to the stress of your mental state. Coming from personal experience living in a place where you can’t find peace not even physically but mentally is much more difficult to deal with. Sometimes you feel like everyone is just watching waiting for you to crack. Then you can’t go outside to enjoy nature as much, so your energy levels are down. On top of that if you stay in bed too long and your thoughts start to wonder it’s a possibility of becoming depressed, or anxious.
I’m sure that most of us had a daily routine that we stuck to, and now we have to completely change the way that we live. Now, the times when you thought that you were going to have time to be by yourself to center your being, you can’t no matter how much you want to. We are being forced to adapt our lifestyle and I know for me that it has been a hard struggle. Each day I wake up is a new struggle for me to get through the day. I can honestly say I have no idea how my mood will be when I wake up.
Some days I wake up and I feel depressed, so I just sit with the lights turned off because my body just doesn’t have the energy. Other days I wake up in a great state of mind, but as the day goes on, I continuously become anxious. Then some days as hard as I am struggling to overcome this part of me, I become triggered, and my anger just continues to grow. I am really trying my best to overcome these issues, but sometimes my struggles just get thrown back in my face.
Throwing the fact the someone struggles with mental health issues in there face when you know that they are currently fighting a battle not only within themselves but, against everyone else in the world will only make us feel like all the effort that we are putting in doesn’t mean anything. It knocks our spirits back down to level-one, it literally breaks every part of us. It makes us want to give up, and it makes us want to stop trying as a whole. It literally tramples upon all the hard work that we put in every single day.
Just the other day I had a moment where I felt a strong urge to give up. I had been doing well that week, I had no relapses which I was proud of. Then it happened, I was broken, all the hard work that I accomplished had been thrown out the window. I was in such a bad space mentally I couldn’t take it anymore, so I left. I left out the house and decided to just walk. I don’t know where I was going to walk to, but I just wanted to walk. As I was walking around my neighborhood, I saw some people who have known me since I was a child. They asked if I was okay, and just like anyone else who struggles speaking to people I said “Yeah, I’m good!” with a smile on my face. Then one of the women looked at me and said, “If you are doing so good, why do you look like you lost your spirit, and are about to cry.”
At that moment I didn’t know what to say, because I’ve always been told I have a nonchalant look on my face all the time. So, to have someone read my expression to the core I was became stuck. All I could do was muster up the words, “Oh no! I’m really alright.” Knowing that every word out of my mouth was a lie. As I walked away, I couldn’t get the words she said out of my head, they kept replaying like a broken record. By the time I got to the end of the block, tears just started to roll down my face. I could feel the anger inside of me start to overwhelm me. I just couldn’t understand why I struggled so much. I couldn’t understand why I had to suffer so much; I couldn’t understand the wounds that I had. It felt like there were holes being put into every part of my body. I didn’t know what to do. So, I kept walking.
At one point it started to rain, at first it was a light rain which didn’t bother me, so I just kept walking. Then the rain started to get harder, and all I did was put on my hood and zip up my sweater. Even then I kept walking, and as the wind began to howl and the raindrops became thicker and more frequent. I still just kept walking; I didn’t want to turn back. I wanted to stay in the rain, me and the sky were one. We both were feeling the same pain, and at that moment I felt that she was the only one who could understand me and hopefully wash the pain away.
As I continued my walk, I finally ended up a park. It was still raining so there was no one there except for me. As I sat down on the bench, and the raining continuously fell on my head I finally started to feel a bit of relief. The anger inside of me began to disappear around the same time the rain did. As the calm feeling started to overcome my being, the sun started to come out from behind the clouds. At that moment I finally started to feel at peace again. There was a calm serenity in the air, the birds began to chirp again, and the squirrels started to play once more. It was at that point I finally found the peace that I needed to make it through the day.
I know that I am not the only person out there living with these issues, and I just wanted to let you know that you aren’t alone. You aren’t going through this hard time alone; the pain you feel at times I feel too. The circumstances may not exactly be the same, but we share the same pain. We share the same prejudices; we are not that much different. The location, address, city, state, and country may be different but there is something much bigger than connects us together. The fact that we continuously fight each and every day to become the person we always wanted to be. We may slip up, we may fall down, we may even relapse, but we continue to push forward each and every day. Every day we take one stride forward to becoming our best selves. So, to everyone out there who is living with mental health issues you are not alone, you can do it, and I see the hard work that you are putting in. You are doing a great job, so don’t stop no matter what. We were made to rise and beat the odds!
With this I hope that helps put your mind at ease a little, and I hope that you continue to stride forward during this quarantine. Just remember this, a baby step is still a step in the right direction.
